When You See A Priceless French Painting, I See A Drunk Naked Girl

I don't enjoy controversy. Nix that. I don't enjoy being an active participant in controversy. But I feel obligated to speak up now, on behalf of my husband and other men like him, with regards to Minxy Mimi's post from this past weekend.

To sum it up, in case you don't feel like clinking the link and visiting her blog, she posted the lyrics to Brad Paisley's "I'm Still A Guy." Please view the video now, I'll wait over here ----------------------------------------> *me*



Now Minxy Mimi claims she wants no part of this guy, stating that if this is what a real man is, she'd rather spend the rest of her life being celibate. Hey, it's her choice, whatever. I like the benefits that come with having a partner in life, both tawdry and mundane, so no celibacy for me, thanks.

Brad's song couldn't describe my husband more perfectly. He likes to hunt and fish, wishes he could carry a gun in his truck, hates getting his hair cut and gives me a *look* when I suggest lotion for his dry, cracked hands in the middle of winter. He has a dirty mind - as most men do - and rarely lets the opportunity to drop a sexual innuendo pass him by. When it comes to his family, he's ready to box anybody who says one negative thing in our direction. His instinct to protect his own is his center. To provide, to protect and to ensure our well-being is his first priority.

I simply must address the hunting issue. Mimi seems to have a very one-sided view of hunters and hunting for "sport." For millions of years, hunting has been a way of life around the world. To this day, it's a rite of passage for young men in South American and African tribes. It's a brotherhood, a very large community of people in the U.S. and Canada, that not only feel a thrill while hunting but also gain a huge respect for nature. Just ask Uncle Ted [Nugent]: "...We hunt, we fish, we trap, we feed ourselves with the sacred protein from Mother Nature's renewable sustain-yield pantry..."

Also, and I wasn't aware of this until about a year ago, when people go on safari in Africa and kill kudu, cape buffalo, et al., the animal they kill is butchered on site and is fed to the local villages. The hunting FEEDS hungry people. Hunters are nature's steward, keeping populations down and reproduction up for species that would otherwise overpopulate and start moving into our residential neighborhoods. Yeah, it'd be cute for a doe to pass through now and then but I doubt you want a Grizzly joining your Fourth of July barbecue.

Mimi also says she understands the "feed off the land" concept, but I really don't think she does. People in the less-populated regions of our country feed their families with the meat they provide from a successful hunting trip. If you land a 100-lb. deer, you'll get approximately 43 lbs. of meat! The cost of a hunting license and the gas to drive to the woods is well worth what would cost you about $125.00 at the grocery store.

I agree with her that "real men" come in all shapes and sizes from all walks of life. But please don't try to portray my husbands "league" as a lesser group because they do hunt, they do fish, and they abhor preening. My husband has an amazing - by my standards - amount of respect for me, treats me as his equal, is a loving and doting dad, and has never stayed out all night with his friends, let alone never called. I couldn't ask for a better man and I'm happy as hell that he does all that "man stuff." Personally, I find it sexy.

But then, that's just me. It's not for everybody and that's just fine! If it weren't for the white collars of society, my husband would be out of work! Heh. I simply get pissed off aggravated when people want to write off [the legions of] men like my husband as "barbaric" because they hunt. It's not barbaric, it's doing exactly what "the other real men" do when they get paid: it's providing for their family the way countless generations have since the dawn of time.

Wanna See Me Twitch?

Allow this travesty to occur:

"Spelling 'truely atrosious,' says academic"

Oh dear god.

The Swank Factor

A sort of addendum to my previous post, I'd like to talk about the Swank Factor. I've developed this idea based on Jen and Diana's comments to my last post. Apparently, there are people out there who, like myself, have trouble tolerating Hillary Swank's screen presence.

The Swank Factor is an aversion to any movie starring an actor that makes you itch (and not in a good way). Maybe their appearance bothers you. Or perhaps their political stance forces involuntary bursts of profanity to fly out of your mouth. Maybe they're just terrible at their craft and you can't bring yourself to endure 90+ minutes of their floudering attempts at acting.

Allow me to offer up some examples. This way, when you enlighten your friends with The Swank Factor, you'll have a true understanding of what I'm driving at.

***

Hillary Swank, for whome this idea is named. My problem lies not with her acting. She's a good actress and seems to have range - she's played a high school boy, an aspiring female boxer, and a grieving widow among other roles. My problem lies with the fact that she's very mannish. She looks like Matt Damon! Like my friend Diana said, and I'm quoting her comment, Hillary's "...an ugly ugly woman." I'm no raving beauty, that's for damn sure, but I'm also not splashing my image across movie screens around the world. I keep my boring grey eyes, bulbous nose, crater-like pores and thin, shitty German lips at home.

Johnny Depp. I'll never dispute his eye candy appeal. He's a gorgeous piece of man. But he's made some remarks about America that left a bad taste in my mouth and that's enough to sway me away from his movies. Well, that his creepy depiction of Willy Wonka. The previews drove me away from that. I'll watch Gene Wilder over Johnny any day!

Larry the Cable Guy. He's a terrific comedian, his shtick is hysterical! I'd go to a live show any day of the week. But please, for the love of all that is truly funny, please keep this man out off the silver screen! HE CAN'T ACT. Health Inspector, Delta Farce, and Witless Protection are abominations in film. My husband has rented all three of these and I was barely able to stomach the first one, fell asleep during the second one, and politely excused myself to go grocery shopping during the third. What a disaster.

Rosie O'Donnell. I used to like her, way back when she was doing The Rosie O'Donnell Show. I liked the Koosh Ball bit, her deceptive obsession with Tom Cruise ("...my Tommy!"). But then the funny turned political and it was a trainwreck from there on out. I couldn't care less that she's gay. In fact, hooray for her for being one of the first to go very public about it. My problem lies with the fact that she martyred herself with it. Then she landed that cushy seat on "The View" and we all know what a catfight spectacle that turned into. I refer to her around here as The Soapbox Queen because all she does is push her agenda into everyone's face. If you think your opinions are that influential then be a social activist, not an actress. At least let us enjoy your movies and TV roles without being reminded of what a beligerent, whiny, I'm-taking-my-ball-and-going-home pain in the ass you are. I really liked "The Flintstones." Your attitude ruined it for me, Rosie.

***

Now go be the life of the party and talk about your Swank Factor. By the by, doesn't "Swank" sound like a mix of "swag" and "skank?"

"Cake or Death?"

I love a good stand-up comedy act. I love laughing so hard my stomach hurts, tears are rolling down my face, and soda is spraying out of my nose. I don't have a particular brand of preferred stand-up either. I like Carlos Mencia, Josh Blue, Jay Mohr, Chris Rock, Bill Cosby, Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall - and yet oddly enough, not a huge Ron White fan - and a few from this summer's "Last Comic Standing." Jeff Dye and Louis Ramey are consistently outstanding acts! I especially like catching a stand-up act of a now-accomplished actor; I'm usually pleasantly surprised to see that they're not just actors. They were actually funny all by themselves in their prior, lesser-known comic life.

Growing up, I knew Bill Cosby only as Dr. Huxtable. He loved dancing to jazz, deadpanning his kids, and trying to sneak in slices of cake when Claire wasn't looking. I had seen one or two of his "Kids Say the Darndest Things" on TV, but I had no real idea that he had this previous and much funny career as a stand-up comedian. I didn't see "Bill Cosby: Himself" until this past winter and let me tell you, Rob nearly had to mop me up off the floor I was laughing so hard! That man is a breed of funny I think any comedian would have trouble achieving. I saw him on Leno the other night and he's still got it. Amazing.

Anyway, the other night I was fortunate enough to catch Kevin James' "Sweat the Small Stuff" on Comedy Central. I couldn't believe how funny he was. I'd seen him on "King of Queens," which I admit I hardly ever watched, and of course I'd seen him in "Hitch." But his material on the little things in life that are real annoyances was terrific! I highly recommend Netflixing this if you like commentary on everyday life.

But there's always that one rotten apple in the barrel, isn't there? Want some disappointment to flutter into your life? Watch Bob Sagets "That Ain't Right." It's like watching the whitest man you know try to be Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Chris Rock and a splash of Andrew Dice Clay. This man drops so much profanity it sounds more and more ridiculous every time he cusses and he's vulgar - in an inappropriate way. He talks about having "banged" or "bagged" teenage girls and I'm not talking about the teenage girls that are 18 and 19. It's disgusting. We turned it off halfway through because we hadn't laughed in about half an hour.

Remember Steve Carell's character in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin?" When he tried to cuss and act like he was the baddest mofo ever? That's what Bob Saget came across as only you had the wholesome image of Danny Tanner staring at you. Disturbing. He was trying so hard to shred that image that it turned into a horrific train wreck.

But maybe you're into watching train wrecks, what do I know?

In other movie news, I finally got to watch "P.S. I Love You" last night. Cried for the better part of the movie but I really, really enjoyed it. I'm not a huge Hillary Swank fan - and I'm still not - but she did a decent job of being the grieving widow. Who would I have preferred, you ask? Kate Winslet. Or maybe Rachel McAdams.

Go Hug Your Kids. Now.

The reason you need to go hug your kids.

I found this list on Dooce's site and was at once stunned, horrified, angry, frustrated and heartbroken. How do oversights like this happen?

There's A Light at the End of the Tunnel

Now I don't want to jinx it, because I have a way of doing that when I mention what could be on the forefront thus causing the exact opposite to happen, but I think my three-year-old demon might be turning a culinary corner.

I may have mentioned in the past that her diet is, well, limited to say the very least. Her diet mainly consists of peanut butter sandwiches, any kind of Mexican food, tuna fish, bananas, wheat crackers (which I haven't bought in about two months) and any kind of bread that crosses her path. Sad, right? Since we moved, we've gotten her to eat - repeatedly, so as to nix any ideas of a fluke - scrambled eggs, white rice, ground beef, Granny Smith apples, chow mein noodles, fried rice, and a bite or two of a baby carrot. I actually caught a picture of her chowing down on an apple about two weeks ago:



I was stunned. She ate the whole darn thing! Well, she won't eat the peel yet, but hey, I'll take baby steps. She ate another one today. I'm thrilled! I can only hope this is a sign of things to come. Lately she's been approaching me with whatever I'm eating, asking for "a taste." That turns into several tastes if it turns out that she likes what I'm having! She nibbled a baby carrot today while I was snacking on them.

Some days, I'm bursting with pride for my spawn. My little one started pointing today to indicate he wanted something. Beth never did that - for reasons that, to this day, are beyond me but I think were part in parcel of her speech delay - and so this is kind of exciting! I hope it leads to speech!

Yay for my kids!

Me and my babies:

A Mothers Conundrum

When parenting dilemmas arise - when to potty train, who gets to give the 3 a.m. bottle, how to explain "gentle" to a six-month-old - Rob and I are usually able to hash things out pretty easily. But when a dilemma arises that doesn't seem to have an immediate answer or quick fix, we're left at a dead-end road. What do you do when you have two children under the age of three who refuse their dads comfort at nearly every turn and go running to mommy at the drop of a hat?

When he tries to tickle Beth or joke around with her, which he's done since she was born and she used to love, she starts whining and fake crying, yelling out for and running to me. It's only been in the last few months that she's turned this corner and it's really weird! I know she's three and at this age they're prone to parental preference still but it doesn't stop it from really sucking for Rob. He loves that little girl to pieces, would lasso the moon and stars for her if she asked, and brags to everyone he knows about what a great kid she is...and she's a giant turd in the punchbowl. I don't know how to turn this around. My heart really aches for him; I couldn't imagine having my own child reject my affection!

And the baby? Just as bad but in a non-verbal way. If I leave for fifteen minutes - hell, if I leave for FIVE minutes - he's a screaming snotty mess. I mean he's in an all-out meltdown. Rob tries everything: rocking him, bouncing him, doing the things we know makes him laugh, bottle, snack, toys, singing. NOTHING WORKS. I walk in the door and he stops crying, stops sobbing, stops all the waterworks and starts smiling again. How crushing that must be! And we both know it's because he's a baby and babies almost always prefer their moms, especially when the mom is a SAHM and the dad is gone from 7 a.m. till 5 p.m.

He gets really bummed out about it and I don't blame him a bit. It's frustrating for me, too, because when one kid needs me the other will inevitably find some reason to start screaming. I get angry at Rob for not helping even though I know there's nothing he can do to calm either child and then he gets mad at me (understandably) and it's just a really crappy cycle.

Someone please tell me that the kids will snap out of it. That my husband won't be walking around like Eeyore because "nobody cares about an old grey donkey."