August 9, 2008

The Swank Factor

A sort of addendum to my previous post, I'd like to talk about the Swank Factor. I've developed this idea based on Jen and Diana's comments to my last post. Apparently, there are people out there who, like myself, have trouble tolerating Hillary Swank's screen presence.

The Swank Factor is an aversion to any movie starring an actor that makes you itch (and not in a good way). Maybe their appearance bothers you. Or perhaps their political stance forces involuntary bursts of profanity to fly out of your mouth. Maybe they're just terrible at their craft and you can't bring yourself to endure 90+ minutes of their floudering attempts at acting.

Allow me to offer up some examples. This way, when you enlighten your friends with The Swank Factor, you'll have a true understanding of what I'm driving at.


Hillary Swank, for whome this idea is named. My problem lies not with her acting. She's a good actress and seems to have range - she's played a high school boy, an aspiring female boxer, and a grieving widow among other roles. My problem lies with the fact that she's very mannish. She looks like Matt Damon! Like my friend Diana said, and I'm quoting her comment, Hillary's " ugly ugly woman." I'm no raving beauty, that's for damn sure, but I'm also not splashing my image across movie screens around the world. I keep my boring grey eyes, bulbous nose, crater-like pores and thin, shitty German lips at home.

Johnny Depp. I'll never dispute his eye candy appeal. He's a gorgeous piece of man. But he's made some remarks about America that left a bad taste in my mouth and that's enough to sway me away from his movies. Well, that his creepy depiction of Willy Wonka. The previews drove me away from that. I'll watch Gene Wilder over Johnny any day!

Larry the Cable Guy. He's a terrific comedian, his shtick is hysterical! I'd go to a live show any day of the week. But please, for the love of all that is truly funny, please keep this man out off the silver screen! HE CAN'T ACT. Health Inspector, Delta Farce, and Witless Protection are abominations in film. My husband has rented all three of these and I was barely able to stomach the first one, fell asleep during the second one, and politely excused myself to go grocery shopping during the third. What a disaster.

Rosie O'Donnell. I used to like her, way back when she was doing The Rosie O'Donnell Show. I liked the Koosh Ball bit, her deceptive obsession with Tom Cruise (" Tommy!"). But then the funny turned political and it was a trainwreck from there on out. I couldn't care less that she's gay. In fact, hooray for her for being one of the first to go very public about it. My problem lies with the fact that she martyred herself with it. Then she landed that cushy seat on "The View" and we all know what a catfight spectacle that turned into. I refer to her around here as The Soapbox Queen because all she does is push her agenda into everyone's face. If you think your opinions are that influential then be a social activist, not an actress. At least let us enjoy your movies and TV roles without being reminded of what a beligerent, whiny, I'm-taking-my-ball-and-going-home pain in the ass you are. I really liked "The Flintstones." Your attitude ruined it for me, Rosie.


Now go be the life of the party and talk about your Swank Factor. By the by, doesn't "Swank" sound like a mix of "swag" and "skank?"


Feener said...

i can not stand george clooney, julia roberts, kate hudson is starting to bother me. mostly these big actors who just think they are so great. i actually like hilary swank.

diana said...

i have issues with william h. macy for some reason, i just can't stand seeing his movies. OH and i loathe tobey maguire. he's the worst: i spent hours mocking him openly during all three spiderman movies, while in the theatre, if you will...i also have issues with bono from u2, i love their music but i can't listen to them because i truly believe he's the antichrist...but that's a whole 'nother story...

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