10 Things I Believe In

10. I believe in being honest. Lying or just failing to tell the whole story will only come back to haunt you. In the words of Indian Larry, "Don't lie. It's less shit to remember." Tell the truth the first time, save yourself the stress!

9. I believe in the healing power of laughter.

8. I believe that the bible is not historically accurate, especially the Old Testament. The New Testament wasn't even finished until 60 A.D. Check this out.

7. I believe that I shouldn't have to navigate through 17 "options" on my phone's keypad just to find a human being on the other end. I should be able to dial the 1-800 number and have a person answer.

6. I believe old people have a lot to teach us and we should listen with both ears wide open and our mouths shut.

5. I believe in evolution. All one needs to do is go to the zoo and stand at the chimpanzee or gorilla exhibit and watch them. They didn't learn that behavior by studying us.

4. I believe that Murphey's Law touches every. single. facet. of. my. life. It leaves no stone unturned. If it can go wrong, it will. Just give it time.

3. I believe that Andy Kaufman is alive and well.

2. I believe that some people aren't meant to be parents. Some people just aren't programmed with that gene and they shouldn't be admonished for not wanting children. I used to get on a few friends' cases about it but I've given it a lot of thought and I realize I was wrong.

1. I believe that no matter how old you get or how much life experience you have, there will always be someone in the wings to beat you back down, to inform you of your immaturity, and to remind you that you're not a real person until you've passed 40. Or 50. 60? It's usually a parent.